how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
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Geez man, take it easy.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles