If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours