I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives