My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
🤣could you imagine
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Squirrels before girls.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The “baby” on the left….
Bond. Trauma bond.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.