I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I love you…
…r dog.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I think the cat got the dog high.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.