Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!