I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t