*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall