*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself