No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
You Might Also Like
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
“no gods no masters” = leo
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.