Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
how high up are we talkin’?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …