The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.