My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.