Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I beg your pardon?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor