#inspiration #foodforthought
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I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
WHO DID THIS?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.