Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws