Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
You Might Also Like
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
you gotta be faster
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough