Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.