That was easy.
You Might Also Like
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Merry Christmas
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.