Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Worst Native American name ever.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅