Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Nothing to do, you say?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments