🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I am crying
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.