I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
You Might Also Like
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
*praying for world peace*
God:
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.