take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My kitchen overserved me.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My safe word is Worcestershire
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night