11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Warm pools make me nervous.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible