I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
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[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.