4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.