When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣