Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Lmfao
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there