me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones