we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know