Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
You Might Also Like
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?