Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
i want to work in this restaurant
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.