According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.