Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.