When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
A drum solo but on your face.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Lmfao
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.