Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.