An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will