Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
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You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses