You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
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Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.