Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
the answer was staring at me all along
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.