My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
My dating profile:
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
But is it really??
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them