Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Easy enough.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.