Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
*praying for world peace*
God:
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend