Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts