Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I have a type: disappointing
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”