Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work