My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You Might Also Like
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.