There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.