If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
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Iāve started leaving chocolates on my daughterās pillow so sheāll feel like sheās living in a hotel and eventually check out
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If you think itās impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably canāt be friends.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Wife: Howād you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. Thatās how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
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I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, āPromisingā.
Thatāll knock the wind out of his sails.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: Iām a bit rusty
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
Itās chloroform isnāt it?